Let's take things to the next level

22
Another friend claimed to be sick and tired of his girlfriend. He wanted to date other women. He did not want to break up with his girlfriend because they had been together for many years and he was worried that she would be heart-broken and unable to find another boyfriend. His girlfriend is in her late 20's. She is not pregnant. He didn't know what to do so he sought advice from his friends.

What advice would you give him?
a) Break up with his girlfriend.
b) Date around till he finds someone else.
c) Try to spice up the relationship. She's probably bored too. Maybe he is the cause of boredom in the relationship and the same pattern might occur again even with the next girlfriend.
d) Take the relationship to the next level, i.e. to get married. If he remains on the same level of the relationship for too long, he will get bored. He will encounter new challenges and problems to solve when he gets married so he won't be bored anymore.

So what did he do? He married her! I wonder though: who is the one who's really afraid of not being able to find another partner?

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very difficult to answer, Yu-Kym.

This also wrong, that also somehow not right.

But he appears to be a man with a heart, he married her despite his reservations.

But did he make a wise decision to do so? Only time can tell.

But I can tell you this, some men do have a soft heart and will not want to leave the girl because eg he is afraid she will be devastated resulting in tragic circumstances. Such a man will eventually marry the girl. It's not because he is afraid to leave her... he is afraid what might become of her.

I suspect this might be the case with the man you quoted.

curious cat

kumar said...

Maybe he realised in the nick of time that life is not about unending excitement and that what he has with his GF (now wife) is something special and good, hence the decision to do (d)?

Anonymous said...

Yes Kumar may also be right. There are a number of other possibilities too. But only the guy will know why he did what he did. Both scenarios presented so far indicate quite reasonably that the guy is a fairly good man. He is bored but he still has affection for the girl (his wife). How long before he roams, who knows even if he will actually do so.

Kumar, Yu-Kym, do u think he will roam when the monotony and problems of marriage sets in eventually?

curious cat

David said...

Yu-Kym,

Your male friend appears to be unsure of himself and his SG.

One must assume he some feelings for her or he would have left her. He is worried about breaking her heart. A noble if misplaced concern.

This young women can only break her own heart, as she is in control of her feelings. Her reaction to the BF wanting to end the relationship will depend greatly on how this male handles such an event.

He needs to talk with his GF about many things. IF both are bored with aspects of the relationship then do talk about what can be done to keep life interesting.

He needs to summon some courage to talk with his GR. The cowards way out would be to send her a text, email voice message or some other impersonal and indirect message, that he is leaving her.

A jerk can do that.
A man in this situation will do his best to end a relationship on an amicable note, leaving the door for friendship open. Not yet friends after being together for years? Then the relationship was already doomed.

Sex not good or frequent enough? Welcome to a maturing romance. Married couples do not have sex as often as most singles think.

Love however, as opposed to lust, will keep a couple to together, for years and decades. I know this, because this is how I have chosen to live with my wife.

A couple of decades ago we became friends, then we fell and grew in love.

When someone ask who my best friend is, I mention my wife is that person.

The remarks you posted about this male hint that he is not ready to move to the next level of relationship, and lacks the maturity needed for any life long relationship.

Let's look at love. A word and concept used to easily and often out of context.
Far to many young men and women confuse love for lust.

Here is why, and to understand Ms. Loh can write at least several more books, however let me state the following concept:

Erotic love seeks possession; agapic love freely dispossesses. Erotic love is self-seeking; agapic love is pure love for the other. Erotic love often seeks physical satisfaction, and verges dangerously close to lust; agapic love is spiritual. In the minds of many Christians, Christian love aims to be thoroughly agapic.

Why the Christian POV? Christianity is my moral compass and the source of my code of ethics.

With a source for personal ethics and morality one is swept along by secular populism and lacks real moral fiber.

Both these people might be test driving as Yu-Kym has called similar events. If the test drive is concluding, yes it is sad that it has taken years to discover that there is no going forward.

If this friend thinks he needs to keep looking for Miss Right, then he is not ready for a long term relationship and definitely not ready for marriage.

Let us know how this develops.

David

The word of God hidden in the heart is a stubborn voice to suppress.

-- Billy Graham

cfm said...

i think every relationship at one point in time become bored...

its how the couple come out of the routine and makes it interesting.

trying to date while in a relationship is just a lame excuse..

if really wanna date then y not make a break 1st and see if each other misses each other a not then moving on to date if both have no feelings for each other..

anyway he say cannot break with her caused scare she heartbroken and cannot find bf, so he is saying he will for sure marry her? so marry liao, the problem is still not address..

no wonder got affairs...

tell ur fren not to be lame la... finding a date while in a relationship...

Anonymous said...

David,

You may also be right how the man should handle the situation. But we are all assuming a lot of things without knowing the man nor the girl well. But you also said:

"This young women can only break her own heart, as she is in control of her feelings".

This could end tragically if we are wrong about her in this aspect. We don't know the girl, so we dont know how fragile she can be in such break-ups. Only the man knows her better than any of us after their long relationship.

So my view is that from the outside it's very difficult to put the finger on the problem and come up with a good solution. That's why i say this also wrong, that also not quite right.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

I doubt he really cares about her in the way he described it. We tend to project our own fears onto others. I think he is afraid HE might be unable to find a better partner. A Singaporean woman in her late 20's is certainly not unwanted. And if there aren't enough Singaporean men, she can always look across the causeway to Malaysia!

cfm said...

hahaha... there are always a lot of singaporean men... is see if she wants only a not..

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym,

The way you say it...it seems so easy for a young girl to find a mate. haha And yet as attractive, intelligent and desirable as you are, you too had suffered broken relationships and it seems a good man to your specifications is so hard to find.

What more a girl who does not have your qualities!

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

When a woman is single, regardless of her appearance and character, it's not because she no man wants her. It's because she chose none of the men who want her.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym, yes I understand what you mean. So in her own evaluations right or wrong, she only wants that perfect key-fit she believes is good for her. So she ends up alone each time.

I like very much this thought process of yours.

curious cat

D. Addiction said...

There are different levels of the sex in the younger age so you need to create the relationships with each other.

Anonymous said...

Human always get complacent and "bored" with what they have, and envy things or relationship others are having.
Re-Look the relationship from a different perspective might be a better alternative than throwing it away and regret later. The difficult part is how to look at it differently. It take to hands to clap and if one feels bored most likely his gf feels the same too.

All the best to the Bride and Groom. (^_^)
BP

Anonymous said...

BP,

When a couple is already "bored" even before completing their 1st year of marriage, how are they going to last the subsequent years?

Yes, the bride and groom do need all the best luck they can get!

curious cat

Anonymous said...

Hi Curious Cat,

Many "interesting and exciting" couples (like those u c in Hollywood) are so full of promises when they marry but most broke off.
I would agree with David that one of your best friend should be your wife, and u dun see pple break off with their 知己.
Becoming "bored" with pple is just an excuse, for getting too used to life style and pple around them.

BP

Anonymous said...

BP,

What I want to say about Hollywood couples marrying and breaking off ever so often would raise good old David's blood pressure so I will just say that these celebrities aint good examples for common folks like us.

As for "best friends"...if I have my way, i would say by all means remain best friends for ever if you so wish because there are advantages to do so. Unless one wants kids, why marry? Marriage will only speed up break-ups. Oops! I think this would also infuriate David. Sorry David. lol

To me, becoming bored is human! Some can deal with it in ways acceptable to society, some cant.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

BP, I agree that becoming "bored" is just an excuse. It takes 2 hands to clap. If the guy is bored in the relationship, he is responsible for the boredom.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym

I'm not quite sure you can pin the responsbility always on the guy. Anyway it's a moot point without knowing an actual case.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

curious cat, I didn't say it's always the guy's fault. But whoever who feels bored in the relationship should ask himself/herself why that's the case.

Anonymous said...

Hi Yu-kym

A man's response to a boring situation - be it a relationship or a product; is usually very mechanical.

He stops playing with it!

That is why woman cannot understand why man find it so hard to react - if you are bored, you should ask YOURSELF why!

Sorry! That's the way we are tuned.

Regards, Leo

Yu-Kym said...

Both men and women are prone to boredom. Even a cat gets bored with its new toy after a while.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym,

I will surely know the reason why I am bored with someone. So what if I know, does it change anything?

But if i dont know why I'm bored, I ought to have my head checked. lol

hahahah Leo, you are even more "no-nonsense" than I thought! Such "take it or leave it" attitudes! lol

curious cat