Fast forward your relationship

15
I'm amazed at how people can get attached within a day of meeting, get engaged within a few months and married within a year. I'm not saying it's good or bad.
The quality of relationships is not measured by duration (and cannot be rated according to whether the couple gets married or not). A couple could have been together for years and not know each other as well as the couple who have been together for a few months. Each couple operates on different time scales. Even a man and a woman in a relationship operate on different time scales.

Allow me to suggest two ways to fast forward your relationship to the future: playing games and travelling.

Playing games
I do not mean mind games. I mean real games like tennis, badminton, golf, board games, card games, electronic games, etc.

Under normal circumstances, a person has the time to think consciously and carefully choose one's words and actions. However, a person's behaviour emerges and is less likely to be concealed because his/her mind is occupied with playing the game and trying to react within a certain time frame. He/she is also less aware of his body language and facial expression. How a person behaves during a game reflects what goes on in the mind.

Some people are sore losers, some people are overly competitive, some boast excessively about their victories, some use unfair means to win, and some are ungrateful when their opponent gives in to them. Not many would enjoy playing games with such people!

- I played tennis with one ex-boyfriend. Although he knew I was new to the game and I requested for him to go easy on me, he insisted that to get a good workout I shall have to run for the ball. I didn't want to play tennis (or him) eventually.

- I allowed my ex-boyfriend to use my online gaming character on the condition that he would not remove my character's items. Sometimes when I log in, my items are not there and I complained to him about it. After he was done with using it for a period of time, he complained back to me that it was a very troublesome requirement in the first place.

The people whom you want to spend your time with are people who behave this way:

- When I was 10 years old, I used to play board games with my father. He would sometimes intentionally make wrong moves to allow me to win. (Nobody likes to lose all the time. See point #2 in Never go to bed angry]

- I lost miserably when I played Othello with a university course-mate. He never gloated about his victory. (He's doing his PhD now).


Travelling
Life is a journey. Before embarking on a journey together for the rest of your lives, it's better to test it out for a short duration by going on a holiday together. You'll get to sample the person's hygiene, sharing the bathroom, whether the person snores, and personal habits. You'll also get to know whether you can tolerate having the person around 24 hours a day. It's easy to be on one's best behaviour on 3-hour dates once or twice a week but it's difficult to do that 24 hours a day, every day.

You'll also get to find out whether the both of you can make decisions together without anyone getting angry or upset, whether your partner is the sort of person who forces his/her wants on you, he/she is a person who is unable to make decisions and depends on you for every little thing.


Observe how he treats his mother
It's a myth that how a man treats his mother is how he would treat his wife. But I think in general, the way he treats his wife would be no better than how he treats his mother.


First instinct
Appearances can be deceiving but sometimes trusting your instincts is the right thing to do. [See previous post, Follow your instincts]

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely spot on! Yu-Kym nailed it well and good for the most part. I know coz I'm a practitioner of how best to really know someone.

About "the way he treats his wife would be no better than how he treats his mother". I'm not quite sure if she got it completely accurate. Perhaps some anecdotes would be enlightening how she reaches that conclusion.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

E.g. hide-under-mummy's-apron boy who does everything his mummy says and treats her very well but doesn't listen to his wife's opinions or care about her feelings.

David said...

Yu-Kym,

Great advice and guidance!

Observing how a partner treats wait staff or staff in a store.

Treating wait staff or clerks in a churlish manner would reveal a great deal about the other person.

How a partner treats siblings is also a means of measuring how that person relates to those close.

David

It's a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand.

-- Madeleine L'Engle

Anonymous said...

hahaha ok Yu-Kym..thanks, I know this one... he treats and values his mother more than his wife.

But is this the same as "the way he treats his wife would be no better than how he treats his mother"?

I would think it means that at best he would treat his wife same as his mother.

Qn for you. Who would u expect your husband to save if he has to choose to save only one in an emergency...you or your mother?

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

David, a person may treat wait staff or staff in a store well but mistreat his wife and family. A person may treat one sibling well but mistreat another sibling. I have personal contact with some people whom everyone says is such a nice person but they are unkind to their family.

curious cat, I can't answer the question because there's no context. I have no expectation because it depends on the situation and people must make a judgement call at that point in time.

Anonymous said...

sorry i meant "his mother"!

If it's your mother, he would save u obviously. lol

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

I read it has "his mother" LOL. My answer remains unchanged.

Anonymous said...

Haha I dont understand what you mean by no context? if you can explain pls...lol

To me, the context is simple. In an any emergency incident where only one can be saved...who would you expect your hubby to save? you or his mother? lol

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

It depends on many factors. E.g. if we are all thrown off a ship, I can swim, he can swim his mother can't, it makes sense for him to save his mother. Now, suppose his mother is fit and works as a lifeguard and I am pregnant - it would be more sensible for him to try to save me. Or suppose my husband lost his leg in a accident and he needs me to save him. There are so many possible scenarios.

David said...

Yu-Kym,

You are right. I should have mentioned that everything discussed are great ways to learn how a partner treats others.

If anyone reading this is in a new relationship, they would be smart to write and a carry a little list to look at when getting ready to spend time with that special person.

David

The turning point in our lives is when we stop seeking the God we want and start seeking the God who is.

-- Patrick Morley

Anonymous said...

Aiyah Yu-Kym,

you no fun one! why do u have to make things so complicating? lol Of coz its an extreme situation where there are no other possibilities and no other variables to throw a spanner in the equation but for him to choose between you or his mother lah. duh

Thought it would be interesting to see how bold, provocative and brutally honest you can be...but u had to spoil the party lol

curious cat

David said...

CC,

Ms. Loh did not complicate life.

She has more experience than many of her readership. Yu-Kym gave some great hypothetical situations.

This post is provocative in that you are being asked to think about what could happen. If you have a gf or as in my case, a married male, there are situations where I would do whatever is necessary to save her health or life.

My wife is smaller than I am, however I know the explosive strength she has in an emergency.

David

Don't be afraid for tomorrow. God is already there.

-- Ethel Löfgren

Anonymous said...

David,

Yes, Yu-Kym is many other positive things including being more enlightened than many of her readership, but she sure is not a complicated person. It was just my tongue-in-cheek comment when she avoided answering my question directly.

But to me its also quite telling that although she is sensible, intelligent and down to earth, she is not as "bold, provocative or brutally honest" to a question that can be treated simply at face value and just be answered straight and direct! What is the apprehension to be so extra careful by qualifying with hypothetical examples?

Of course I must be frank here too. I am a bad boy. I was looking for the boldness in her blog, the intention to provoke, to be brutally upfront!

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

curious cat, your question was off-topic in the first place! :P You may have expected me to say "save me" and I didn't say it so you think I'm not being honest and bold. But my honest answer was what I wrote, i.e. it depends.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym

I'm not persuaded. But Ok noted. I shall not belabour the issue. My curiosity is satisfied.

curious cat.