Communicating your feelings is sometimes bad advice

6
The pop psychology of communicating your feelings is overrated to the extent of being bad advice at times.

Consider this situation:
A guy is a habitual latecomer. (I am not a habitual latecomer). He keeps me waiting. I am frustrated. I feel like he has no appreciation for my time.

I communicate my "feelings" to him.
"I feel frustrated about your habitual late-coming. I feel like you has no appreciation for my time."

How would I expect him to react to that?

Consider another example:
My boyfriend is gaining weight and getting fat. I lose interest in being physically intimate with him. I feel turned off by his excess fats.

I communicate my "feelings" to him.
"I feel turned off by your excess fats. I don't feel like being physically intimate with you."

Yikes.

How about telling your boss that you feel overworked, underpaid and unappreciated?

Yikes again.

Feelings are not the most important aspect of self. Feelings can be irrational and they are frequently hormonal. It is what we do that makes us who we are. Although we sometimes have to follow our instincts, we also need to think about our values rather than depend solely on our feelings to determine what to say or do.


Another piece of bad bad advice: [Never go to bed angry]

6 comments:

David said...

Yu-Kym,

Assuming you speak of real world experiences. Mr. Always late does not appreciate your friendship. Otherwise he would have modified his behavior.

I know about this, while courting the lovely lady I am now married too, I had to become more punctual. True appreciation and love will move one to change
priorities.

The friend gaining weight appears to have only valued intimate physical activity.

Is it hard to give up on someone you have invested considerable time and emotional value. Yes it is very hard to let go.

In each case you made the right decision.
How long could you live with someone habitually late or getting fatter?

To many men and women stay with someone thinking that the person loves them and will change. Some will change, others never change. Relationship deteriorate, pain and emotional trauma follow often with married couples divorcing.

I lack the wisdom to offer solutions other than to say one must learn from lifes more painful lessons, and know how to move on.

David


If God led you to it, He will lead you through it.

-- Author Unknown

Yu-Kym said...

It's natural to get fatter as we age but I would expect my partner to take care of his health - any self-respecting person should do so.
I dislike hanging out with habitual later-comers because I'll have the tendency to be late too so that I won't have to wait so long for them. In effect, I would become somebody whom I'd rather not be. It's not healthy.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym, if u have a set of values, attitudes and priniples u live by and you are a fairly strong-willed person, you need not fear another person's incompatible traits growing on you. In the first plc, his/her attitudes wont have time to take root on you.. you would have distanced yourself from such ppl long before! keke

I choose my friends carefully and dont waste time on those i consider undesirables. I dislike tardiness, those who are indecisive and dilly dallies on their decisions, those who play mind games, etc Wana do it do it.. dont beat around the bush keke

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

I find that I adapt by behaving in the same way to get the most out of the situation. E.g. office politics. The only way for me to avoid becoming is like is not to come into contact with such people.

Anonymous said...

In office, there is only so much that u can do to avoid coming into contact with ppl or politics. In office politics, unless u have the clout to influence situations, u just have to adapt or perish or move out. You dont have the backing and u adapt in the same way, fighting fire with fire, u may not survive. Its a dog in dog world in ofc.

Outside of office, its also dog eat dog keke..but yes u can choose your friends. It helps.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

I agreed that you need influence and backing - much especially from one's boss. If boss doesn't back you up even if you have done what you can to try to win his trust, then it's time to back out.