Are indecent proposals to women flattering or insulting?

11
We are taught that when a woman receives an indecent proposal, the polite way to reject it is to say, "I'm flattered but no thanks."

I have a problem with this statement. 2 problems to be precise.

#1. The word "flattered" gets to me. Is the woman supposed to feel flattered?

#2. The word "thanks". Thanks for what?

Truth is, I feel insulted and angry, especially if the indecent proposal comes from a friend who is trying to cash in on some "benefits". Even after rejecting them, some of them repeated make such proposals or some of them try to convince me or explain why they think friends-with-benefits (FB) arrangement is an acceptable one - these indicate a lack of respect for me.

I used to have a male friend whom I'd known for years. We were never intimately involved, never held hands and I have never said or done anything to state or hint that I was interested in him emotionally or sexually for I was never interested. Yet he had been hitting on me repeated in person, asking whether he can come up to my place and to consider him if I need a FB. I always rejected him politely till one day I decided to tell him, without any banging of fists or raised voice, "I don't appreciate you hitting on me all the time." His response was ludicrous, "But I didn't hit on you today." He was not apologetic but insisted that there was something wrong with me for thinking that there's something wrong with him for hitting on me.

I felt like I'd completely wasted my time on being friends with that person. So, thanks for wasting my time? Without wanting to waste any more time on him, I asked him to remove me from all his contact lists (Facebook, phone, email, etc). He agreed to it - meaning he would rather stick to his opinion that he had done no wrong despite my dissatisfaction which I voiced out and give up our "friendship" of many years. Anyway, if I had known him for that long and still had not slept with him all these past years, what makes him think I would now?

To men: If you don't want to risk losing a female friend, I suggest you treat women with respect.
To women: If the thought ever crossed your mind to flattered, think of yourself as a piece of meat and consider whether that's flattering.

11 comments:

~Pink Miu Miu~ said...

A guy who really loves u wont make such proposal.. Guys who made such proposals are probably trying their luck (no harm mah, yes then on lor, no? nvm try the next one), this is the reality.

Interestingly, my colleague ever asked whether is it possible to have platonic friendships? I said confidently yes and he said: "Anything above the neck..yes" :) got it? haha

Yu-Kym said...

What did he mean?

I do several guy friends whom I've known for a while without any hanky panky stuff.

~Pink Miu Miu~ said...

He meant we are different from 'below e neck' thus hard to have platonic friendships most of the times... but of course there are exceptions :)

David said...

Yu-Kym,

Any man who makes an indecent proposal is not a friend. He might have been pretending or hopeful of something sexual. However such men are immature and likely will be for years.

The male you descibe has no concept behind platonic relationships. He want a FB that is conventient and available.

I would question his moral companss.

You are bright, witty, and very attractive and will atract males hoping for a quick connection.

You also seem wise enough to avoid such men.

David

Anonymous said...

To all ladies;

Hello - Not ALL guys who prepositioned ladies are jerks (ie. who treat u with no respect).
Some of us have very satisfied lovers (who would not have a clue about sex had they regard guys (who prepositioned them) as jerks.
AND..., it is ALWAYS the woman who signals she's prepared for an approach, with cues - eg 'I like the color of your tie'.
Only then, I will make a 'hit'.
Obviously, your loser friend don't know how to read signals.
Good for you - DUMP him.

Regards - Leo

Scope said...

This one is simple enuff.

If he's a good guy, continue to friend.

If you don't like 'sex' with him, just tell him 'No', again and again. If he doesn't rape you, at least he doesn't rape you. See?

The point is, he is a guy you are a female, and few guys can tell exactly what you want. Though you demand respect out of this friendship, but guys can ONLY guess.

Some girls... if guys 'miss' the signals for sex, they will turn 'ugly'. Experiments done with chimpanzees showed this... instinct.

So don't be angry. The guy never forced himself upon you, it means he has the respect at least... that he asked.

Rich women would find mediums to ask if sex is on the card, Scope rejected. You see, it doesn't mean anything if anybody makes such requests. If you take it too seriously other than to be careful of peer-raping, you'd have to deal with kids. Because... when a man senses erotic, their hormones react, but that doesn't mean all men are bad.

You may not assume you sent signals, but biologically speaking, wet dreams occur doesn't even needing you to be nearby. See the point here. So... don't take offence. You'd just 'hurting' the guy who ends up having to pretend macho and accept your ending of friendship.

I ain't agree to Pink Miu Miu, because a guy who loves you will still make such 'quries', but a guy who love you makes such quries without pressurizing. Gentleman is man, barbarian is also man, so the difference is the way they approach females.

~Pink Miu Miu~ said...

Mm..i think the keyword here is 'indecent' and our perceptions thus the various views..

Babies are born because their parents agreed to the 'proposals' in the 1st place or rather rightful, legal and committed proposals that comes with true love.

Scope said...

Pink Miu Miu, me share a joke here...

According to 《η™Ύε˜ζ˜Ÿε›》: Babies are the residual effect of the sensation in bed. LOL~

Actually, individuals are like this, if they like each other, they will hook up with or no proposals, indecent or decent, and even hetrosex or homosex.

The basic point is, the creator bestow all healthy men plus women with libido. But we also have brains and maturity. Let's admit it, Yu Kym, the moment you walk out of your home... a whole streets of men will be there exposed to you and you exposed to them. Some will be friends, some won't. But all men, biologically speaking, have wet dreams and will be randomly roused, and erection took place automatically at certain intervals.

I studied biology, so that's how I see it. I mean, the guy can ask 10000x, and you can reject him the same number of times. If you are attractive to anyone, he either ask or he doesn't ask. So it's the latter kind of guys you should be wary of.

Of course, sounds gross if you don't like that guy and everytime you see him the thought that he wants to do you on bed floats...

Alright, we don't know the guy, so maybe he is the really desperate type. If you are seriously worried he'd rape you, just be careful and stay out of trouble. From Jean Vs John's experience, I reckon Singaporean girls may best err on the right side.

While nobody wants to get hurt, I'd have to say something to be fair in general.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym,

You have known that friend for years and have never given him any inkling of romantic or sexual interest. And yet when he keeps on hitting on you repeatedly, you cant see his interest on you? You must also have been oblivious to his all too obvious raging hormones! You must been very young then and inexperienced, therefore you cant see it coming to a head sooner or later.

Instead you let the developing situation fester, incubate until you have to end it ugly in just one minute after all those years of getting along. Therefore you are not completely faultless although he bore the major part for his foolishness and immaturity.

You must have liked his company and him yours. But finally you both lost.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

~Pink Miu Miu~, I have platonic relationships with many male friends. I think the friends-with-benefits type is the exception rather than the rule.

David, FB relationships are common nowadays and are supposedly more "honest" than those in which the guy pretends to love the gal in order to get sex.

Leo, some of the guys who proposition women may have satisfied partners but they themselves are not satisfied. Aren't these type of guys bigger jerks than those who don't have satisfied partners?

Scope, it's not signals or hints that I gave. I turned him down outright. He invited himself to my place before and I said No.

curious cat, the incident happened in 2009. I liked talking to him as a friend. It's sad that years of "friendship" was lost. He was more concerned about his penis and ego than our friendship anyway.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym,

Oh? U say its only 2009? Then you must have been like only 23 or thereabouts then! Still very young. But at your age now and only perhaps more than a year ago, you seem so very worldly wise.

Gosh, you learn much faster than I did. lol At 23 I was still feeling my way through relationships but I already know what I want in my girl. keke

curious cat