The "my wife is not interested in sex" problem

It's common to hear that couples have sex less frequently or don't have sex at all after marriage or after living together for long periods of time. Some male friends and readers have shared with me that their wives don't want to have sex. These guys don't want to go to prostitutes but they don't know what else to do to satisfy their sexual craving. They asked me for my advice. Many books have been written on such topics. I have not read all the books out there and I don't have a quick fix to anything. What I can offer is some food for thought.

Firstly, I always say that it's a good thing that these married men choose to remain faithful to their wives despite the difficult situation. I applaud people who exercise self-control.

It might be over-simplified but there are possibly 3 parts to the problem:
1. The man
2. The woman
3. The relationship between the man and the woman

1. The man
Many people fall into comfort zones and "let themselves go", i.e. they no longer care about their appearance and don't bother to improve themselves because they think their partners need to accept them "for better or for worse".

Questions to ask:
a. How have you changed over the past years?
b. Do you feel confident of yourself in the relationship, e.g. if you provide for the family are you confident of being able to provide for the family, if you are the house-husband are you proud of being one?
c. Did you take the time to groom yourself to the satisfaction of your partner?
d. Are you happy or grouchy most of the time?
e. Do you do anything to improve yourself or learn/do something new?
f. Look in the mirror and honestly evaluate whether you are sexually appealing.
g. Are you dedicated to serving her in bed or are you a 1MM?

2. The woman
True that many women "let themselves go" too, especially women who have children. Bearing children and giving birth changes their bodies forever. It is very difficult for the average woman to get back in shape especially if she has to dedicate her time to taking care of her newborn baby and the other children and/or go back to work after her maternity leave is over. Most women would put the welfare of their children ahead of their physical appearance. They may not be able to spare time for exercise or personal grooming. Won't most of us think it's selfish if a woman spends time in the gym and leaves her baby crying in her husband's arms or the arms of a babysitter? I bet many people would. The public is always critical of how celebrities like Britney Spears leave their children in the care of their nannies, and relatives and friends are always ready to encourage women to give up their jobs to spend time with their children. But leaving one's job to be a homemaker causes other problems, e.g. the woman's self-esteem and confidence levels may be lowered, the husband's stress level may be increased because the family is dependent on him solely to bring home the bacon. Everybody wants to look good. If she thinks she does not look good, she might not feel sexy enough to let you touch her.

Questions to ask:
a. Are her responsibilities as a homemaker or mother depleting her of time and energy to groom herself? If so, what can you do to help?
b. Does she have self-confidence?
c. Have you ever say anything to make her lose her self-confidence, e.g. you are fat? Actually if you think it but don't say it, she can feel it already.
d. Do you watch porn or have roving eyes?

3. The Relationship
I believe that the sex life of a couple is a reflection of the state of their relationship. If the relationship is thriving, the sex will be great. If not, sex might not even happen.

Questions to ask:
a. Do you feel you are giving all the time and never receiving? If so, could your partner also feel this way?
b. Do you both ever thank each other, or do you take it as a given that somebody will do something and there's no need to be artificially polite?
c. Do you use words of encouragement and affirmation or reverse psychology? Different styles work on different people.
d. Do you buy or make each other gifts?
e. Do you do anything special for your partner?
f. Do you take time to listen and seek to understand before seeking to be understood? Are you defensive?
g. Are you gentle or a slob/bastard/bitch? Again, different styles work on different people. Personally, a fat slob who sit in front of the tv and asks me to fetch beer for him is not my idea of a man - just a pig.
h. Do you feel resentment building up over the years?

In my post [Angry Sex], it can be seen from the comments that many people wouldn't be interested in having sex when they are upset. Sex may be a physical act but it's influenced by emotions too. There are bound to be disagreements and conflicts from living together. On top of that, you also get to see each other's filthy or irritating habits. Many people advise couples to give-and-take and compromise. While this advise works well with trivial issues like how you squeeze your toothpaste, this advise is dangerous when applied to issues concern principles, beliefs and attitudes. Couples frequently sweep problems under the carpet because they think they are trying to give in to the other person. Also, when a person thinks he's giving in, it is not always seen as a big deal to or acknowledged by the receiver. At times, couples completely give up and would rather not argue or fight anymore because they think it will only make matters worse. When the feelings of unhappiness and resentment build up, it's inevitable that the sex life suffers.

I can't tell you exactly how to fix it because each couple's problems are different. Most of the time, the true answers come from within a person rather than from direct advice from an outsider. A counseller may be able to help you but do select one carefully because he/she may set you off in the wrong direction, not because he/she is not good but rather, his/her beliefs and style may not suit you.


Anonymous said...

last time post a comment at children are smaarter was not reply .

Anonymous said...

this topic was everymen and women after married many years and was no answer by public or any speciallist, or sex hobbyly or peoply live by sex . i wish you can research into it .

Anonymous said...

I was thinking Yu-kym reply was not from a male mind , mainly thinking men and womenn becos of sex only . However some part of the contexts , i m sure is from a wommen thought . sex activity can be bi sexual , thought cannot be .

Anonymous said...

yu kym did not and never been understand men become sexually stale to another wommen after some times , unless emotionally love ( women thaugt him or he heritage some,then the women is blissed ) . women is emotionally then sex ., men the opposite . To be longer in relationship men need sex women need emotions , each has a eefort to teach eac other .

Anonymous said...

men or women , or the world is not just sex.Many complex comonent come in , the three has to keep on learning to live in best . Wish that yr blog become many reader interests as you explore the topic of sex with the three in concerns, and avoid being too sex orientated . Howver it is best and i like reading yr person view in the regard of the topic ( that is the hottness of yr blog )

Anonymous said...

very high proportion of men is sex love an d women opoosite is emotionalonal love sex, except some exceptinally women like yu-kym.

very irony , is tradedy thay a men taught emotioms by women ( but not become her wife ) and women taught by men sex ( not someone love her )

many women fall into the categories ( sex from men ) rarely men in categories as above menetioned (from women taught emotion) . I wish to state men if men belongs to this category you unlucky to suffer along with wommen .

emotional love was best but be it women or a men fall into this category , majarity suffer lifetime , only few lucky one succeed ( reasons and cause , it need 2 party to come hand in hand , is not easy ). one out of thousand in women and one out of thousand in men = one out of a millions.

Anonymous said...

I am saying sex without emotional love will stale after few years , good sex skill will always go for the better sex partner, he sex is the concern and interests .

Anonymous said...

the one in a million prosisbilty show that why most women eventually give up emotion ego and most men keep staying in sex .

Anonymous said...

with tis logic , a women knew sex well should easily has a emotional husband . however usually a person more with sex dun know emotion , but women has to teach emotions to a men . ironiclly men with easier to taught emotion usually dun know sex well, yu-kym will not be interested at all. Vice versely most men do and think like yu-kym do .hence be it women think like men or men being themself or men taught emotions by a women , all is into one in a milloions

Anonymous said...

I response to this topics is bcos yu-kym really dun kown how to talk about it . bcos it lacks emotions components .

Btw , why men with emotions usually not skill in sex bcos they has or taught emotions in the path of some women and they are loyal to it ( just like women with love by emotion do ), he do not have many sex activities , he will beccome you so called 1mm . however I think yr defination of 1mm is refering to men with constant sex activities.

most women are not skill in sex is due to to emotional belongings too.They usually not much sex activities or partner , hnece no good in sex too.

ironically most men just like such lady . in contrast of above para , women like sex a lot do not valve 1mm .Men inheritagely and usally also not want a wife that inially very good in sex .

This is the complex I was trapped in , by reading yr blog ( opposite of mine ) I had some understandings. Men of emotion(are rare ) will be trapped , women with good sex skill(are rare ) be trapped .

Yu-Kym said...

To those who think I didn't "research" it, you are wrong. The categorisation and generalisation of "men think this way" and "women think way" is not representative of the reality. Men and women are conditioned into thinking that they are supposed to think or behave in a certain way. I personally know many men who are emotional. Many men might not be willing to admit it but men ARE emotional too. They might just be sweeping problems under the carpet more often because of social conditioning.

The real trap is not in the marriage but in our minds. Each person and each marriage is different. You should avoid generalising. The moment you generalise and differentiate yourself from your partner, you have trapped yourself in your own mind.

Anonymous said...

I think that especially now in this computer age, men and wife should roaster in their planner calender their daily or weekly or monthly schedule and allocate time to fuck. If you missed the fucking time, you will have to wait to the next appointment. We are all busy, so no missunderstanding please.
Women if you want to be fucked be ready for the appointment and men if you want to fuck or must fuck make sure you are on time too. There should also be a quarterly review or the schedule on the frequencies and added responsiblilities or travel plans. This should be understood and be real, treated with respect, emotions aside. No misunderstanding please.