Double standards in relationships

14
In the post by Rock Hard, [What do women really want?], the section on "Equality of sexes" has spurred a discussion about feminism.

I'm not a feminist but I would like to point out that it's not just women who apply double standards in relationships; men do too.

1. Free Time
People need to have their own space and time to meet their friends, handle personal matters or pursue their interests. It's common to hear that one party in the relationship goes out frequently with his/her own friends but does not allow his/her partner to do the same. It's common for men to expect women to stay at home to take care of the children while they go out to pubs to watch soccer and drink beer with their friends.

2. Affairs
Men think it's ok for them to have sex with other women but it's not ok for their wives or gfs to have sex with other men. If women have affairs, they are sluts. But men can have affairs openly and when people find out, men act like it's "normal" to do so. One reason I've heard men citing for having affairs is: their wives have loose vaginas after giving birth or have low sex drive. Well, then women should be entitled to have affairs with other men if their husbands are unable to perform well in bed. [Extramarital affairs]

3. Talking and Listening
When a man says something, he is concerned. When a woman says anything, she is nagging.
When the woman is upset, she is being negative, overly sensitive and is over-reacting. When a man is upset, he expects the woman to listen to him and be understanding. If his wife is not understanding enough, he goes looking for some other woman and tells her that his wife blah blah blah.

4. Career
Because of cultural and religious influences, it's common for a man to think that his career is more important than their wife's career - even if he's stuck in a dead-end job while his wife has a high-flying career and earns more than him. In the best interest of the family, shouldn't the person with better job prospects focus more on career to earn money for the family? No, because we have to consider the male ego! *rolls eyes*

5. Who should change?
It's a well-known joke (or fact?) that women marry men hoping that they would change while men marry women hoping that they won't change. I think it works both ways.
Nobody wants their partners to try to change them but everyone expects their partners to "lower their standards", and change to suit and accommodate them.

I am not willing to change who I am just so that I can attract or keep a man. In my previous relationship, I tried to change myself to be someone that my partner expected me to be and "lowered my standards". Now I'm back to being the person I really am and I won't make that mistake of changing myself for someone again because if he isn't happy with who I am now, he will never be.

Note: Changing myself because I want to change is different from changing myself for someone. See my previous post, [Quit smoking for me]

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone - just as wild - to run with." Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw

14 comments:

Banshee said...

I suppose all those issues just can't be helped.
Unfortunatelly, most of those standards are already rooted in most of societies, specially the European based ones.

But the former men-centered society perverted deeply the sex power balance. Foucault has a very interesting comment on such balance, while commenting on sexual choices:

'Women have always been seen by [heterosexual men] as their exclusive property... Heterosexual men felt that if they practiced homosexuality with other men this would destroy what they think is their image in the eyes of their women. They think of themselves as existing in the minds of women as master. They think that the idea of their submitting to another man, of being under another man in the act of love, would destroy their image in the eyes of women. Men think that women can only experience pleasure in recognizing men as masters.'

We are lucky enough that we live in post-sexual revolution society. Furthermore, in digital age, equality manifestos are more easily spreaded. Maybe now, that phrase you quoted is perfectly applied to anyone... nowadays we have tools to go and search for people who really are similar to us.

Hayabusa said...

Guys who expect their wives to look after the kids at home while they go drink in a bar & watch soccer, have affairs just because their wives've loose vaginas, expect women to listen while they themselves never do so, talk about male ego shit in job issues, are down right assholes that should be used for target practice. make no mistake here, i'm a guy & i'm straight.

One thing interesting though, is that women, & some guys, still think that they can change their partners after they get married. when will they realize the fact that many show their true colors after marriage, especially guys. if you think it's bad before getting married, it'll only get even worse after getting married.

Anonymous said...

TRy get someone to translate this for you if you don't read bahasa Melayu. This is article from Berita Harian Malaysia .......

"....Tumit Tinggi: Wanita = Superwoman; Lelaki = Hmmm... Hampeh!

ANTARA wanita dan lelaki, siapakah yang lebih multitasking (mampu membuat banyak kerja dalam satu masa)? TT rasa, soalan ini jawapannya sudah pasti dan muktamad, mutlak. Wanitalah yang lebih multitasking!

Lelaki bekerja, wanita bekerja, wanita jugalah suri rumah tak kira sibuk dan penat macam mana sekali pun lepas balik kerja, tiba di rumah sambung lagi kerja..urus anak (untuk yang sudah beranak), kemas rumah, basuh kain, memasak...belum lagi tugas lain yang `wajib’ kan. Pendek kata, macam-macam kerja wanita kena buat, memang superwoman.

Bagi yang bekerjaya tetapi belum berkahwin, superwoman juga. Dah nama perempuan, kerja rumah kena buat juga, hendak pula kalau masih `menumpang’ rumah ibu bapa. Tangan kena ringan, tak boleh berat bontot. Kalau yang ada cik abang (teman lelaki), penat dan sibuk macam mana pun, ishhh..hati buah hati kena jaga. Kena jumpa dan kalau sibuk ya amat pun, paling tidak telefon atau hantar SMS.

Lelaki pula? Tak payahlah kita cerita pasal laki orang ya, cukup lelaki bujang tapi berteman sebagai contoh. Ramai rakan perempuan TT mengeluh, seharian tak dapat SMS daripada buah hati, jauh sekali panggilan telefon, alasan buah hati teramatlah busy hari ini.

`Tapi TT, takkanlah tak boleh SMS langsung? I hantar SMS pun dia buat dek je (buat tak tahu)’, keluh rakan TT.

Aaaa...aaaa..memang busy....tapi sebenarnya busy tak seberapa pun, kalut je lebih. Setakat telefon dan hantar SMS bertanya khabar, tak pun untuk ucap `I love you sayang’, alahai berapa saat sangat. kalau dia pergi makan, hisap rokok, tak pun pergi buang air kecil, itu pun lagi lama. Takkanlah masa tu tak boleh nak call atau SMS. Bukan tak biasa kan, SMS dalam bilik air..???!!!! (walaupun selalunya buat secara sembunyi-sembunyi).
TT cukup sakit hati kalau dapat alasan yang tak berapa cerdik macam ni. Ya lah, you all je lah manusia paling sibuk dalam dunia ni. Hello, setakat berapa saat, satu dua minit luangkan masa untuk yang tersayang, tak jadi penyakit pun lah.

Teman lelaki TT dulu, macam itulah perangainya. Ya Allah, kalau cerita sibuknya orang bekerja, dialah manusia paling sibuk. Tak ada orang lain yang lebih sibuk daripada dia...konon!!! Kadang-kadang berhari-hari `hilang’, sunyi sepi. TT malas nak kacau, nanti dia kata kita tak faham pula dia sibuk tapi sampai kalau kita dah tertanya-tanya `hidup lagikah mamat ni’, susah la pula bukan?

Tapi cuba bila hari dia tak ada kerja, kurang sibuk, tak habis-habis dikacaunya TT. SMS, telefon, sibuk nak dating. Ada hari, minta maaflah, TT pun sibuk, tapi jawab juga SMS dan panggilan dia, cuma ada ketikanya tak berkesempatan jumpa. Bila jadi macam ini,d ia pun mulalah rengsa. Yang TT tak tahan, bila TT cakap TT busy, dia boleh kata...`Ala..macam mana sibuk pun you, mana boleh lawan sibuk I.’

Ek ewahhhh....sedapnya mulut bercakap, ini sah mulut tak ada insurans ni. Tak larat TT nak layan lelaki jenis macam ni. Semuanya dia yang lebih, kaya dia (memang dia kayalah), kerja bagus dia, sibuk dia, semua dialah. Eeeee..geli TT. Tu pasal la dia jadi teman lelaki TT yang dulu... dah kena dushhh (buang) dah...
Kelakar kadang-kadang fikir perangai lelaki ni bukan. Macam-macam hal, macam-macam perangai dan jenis. Zul, pengirim e-mel kepada TT sebut, ramai lagi lelaki yang baik-baik kat luar sana. Betul ke ramai Zul? Sengsara nak jumpa...TT rasa jenis lelaki baik ini macam dah spesies hampir pupus.

Kata Zul, yang penting, kita kena berdoa. TT berdoalah ni...Dalam doa TT, TT minta petunjuk juga, kalau Zul, lelaki yang baik, TT pun wanita yang

....."

Rock Hard said...

It all comes down to individual level.
Let's not categorizes both sexes as though we're like animals incapable of reasoning and thinking logically.

Yu-Kym said...

Banshee, that's an interesting quote from Foucault. The idea of men as masters still continues to be perpetuated through cultures and religions.
Hayabusa, interesting observation that something "bad" only gets worse after marriage.

For the article from Berita Harian Malaysia, this here is a summary in English:
- Women are better able to multi-task than men,
- Some men say they so busy that they have no time to call or send SMS and even disappear for a few days,
- When men are free they call and want to date the women. The women might not be free to go out but would at least respond to the call/SMS and apologise for not being free to go out,
- There are all sorts of funny men out there so be careful. The nice ones are far and few.
Please add on or let me know if I got it wrong.

The Unconscious said...

I think the guys with that sort of mentality is not worthwhile even to get married to a lady. Total disgrace. I believe in giving equal treatment and at the same time receiving the equal from my partner. Of course at times men to take their women for granted but it's not a one way street - girls do it as well. I made some of those mistakes like - this is who I am and I cant change etc but realized that in order to be happy with the person you are with - empathy and self sacrifice has to be made. I learned it now. But i believe a women should never be with a person who is just fucked up to the core no matter how much she loves him just to expect that he will change in the future. That will be a mistake. Cause men...as arrogant and egoistic as they are...some will never change.

Money
- Man's money is belong to both, woman's money is belong to woman.

Agree?

clap clap~~ ^_^

Banshee said...

Yu-kym, what you said about multi-task skills is mostly true.

But, at least here where I live, I sense that business women (real yuppies) have been postponing "messaging" almost as much as men do... (although still not as bad as most of men would do)

Maybe it's a sign of evolution (de-evolution maybe?) of modern society.

David said...

Yu-Kym,

All your points are delivered as generalizatoins. Not every man or women or married couple go through these.

Part of being married is learning, loving and supporting one another.

NO man or women should expect to engage in affairs outside of the marriage relationship.

It is true that some do, these are the exceptions. The majority of married men and women are loyal to thier partner.

Many are tempted, only the weak and foolish stray. Those that stray are weak willed, weak minded and of questionable character.

I can only speak from my own experience. But my marriage, the marriages of most of my family and friends have shown spouses to completly supportive of career choices, and the responsibilities that come with chosen careers. My job involves travel of several weeks away a few times each year. My wife is always supportive. True we miss the other, but we talk each day and remain true and loyal. We know that to reach our goals that we must work together.

Who should change? GREAT question. With an easy and a not so easy answer.

The truth is that everyone changes once in a relationship. Only a foolish person will enter into a relationship thinking they do not have to change.

Think of this, just aging each year changes each of us. Our attitudes and life experiences change us. Change happens, each and every day. Individuals and couples choose to grow together or grow apart.

Those that grow apart fail in the relationship, usually sooner, and only a few struggle to make such doomed relationships last a little longer.

Once again a great discussion, and of course my response is my humble opinion.

David

Yu-Kym said...

Unconscious, I also don't know why women would want to marry such men. Maybe they didn't realise it till after they get married.

elims, Quite common for women to think "your money is my money, my money is my money". But I do have female friends who contribute to the household or wedding expenses and at times even pay more, e.g. when their husbands have no jobs, but their husbands are not appreciative.

David, This post is in response to the discussion where about double standards that women practise so I didn't cover the specifically the male point of view. I think most couples are supportive of each other.

"NO man or women should expect to engage in affairs." - this i agree. But sadly, it happens very often here. Even couples who are not married yet cheat on each other. Your marriage sounds good. If only more couples can show that kind of love towards each other.

Yes, things change. But change needs to come from within, not without. Couples cannot force or have the expectation the other person needs to change.

Anonymous said...

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I've read many, not all of the discussions in Yu-Kym's blog.
It is indeed enlightening that we can discuss our views with interesting people from all over the world.
I saw a movie recently, it is "Fireproof". They have a website called FIREPROOFMYMARRIAGE.COM
I urge everyone reading this comment to buy a copy of this movie.
It would be THE BEST INVESTMENT OF YOUR LIFE!
Why?
The movie has very realistic scenes of a couple, in a rocky relationship and what it takes to pull through.
Get a copy of this movie and I am sure you will be watching it many times, over and over. Even my 15 year old daughter found some of the scenes and messages so relevant.
I've been married 21 years and never saw how selfish I was towards my wife until I watched the entire movie.
Women put up with incredible hardships and suffering - what with the demands of a career, motherhood, etc, etc, but most of all; the DOUBLE STANDARDS practised by many (not all) husbands.
We guys think it is ok to flirt around, maybe even have a quickie without the wife knowing. It boost our sense of self-worth/virility/manhood to be successful with the ladies. However, we cannot see that behaviour is also due to our insecurity/lack of respect. And we wonder why our wife/gf/partners dont give us enough respect!
Any guy who keeps his eyes peeled for another pretty skirt is just going through a relationship based on zero trust. It is deceit - plain and simple. There is no justification for it.
Watching/reading porn, even FHM magazines just breeds a bad habit; if not addiction. Many guys will disagree - they think it is the right of every red-blooded male.
I advocate that we guys return to the more gentlemanly conduct of not lusting after / or watching porn actresses puting an act that should have been a very private act.
Our woman would appreciate us more for it.
Thank you for reading this and do watch the movie.

Anonymous said...

Yu-Kym,

Yes and No. Yes, when you change yourself it's because you want to change and not because you change yourself for someone. This is the main premise.

No, because the above needs some qualification. Because sometimes you also change yourself because u know when you change yourself, you change for the better - when you change for someone whom you love and respect, who you believe and know walks the correct and wise path in life and can show you the way to happiness. You change for yourself but you also change because of him.

You change for him not because he is not "happy" with you but because he has shown you your erring ways and you yourself recognise these shortfalls and you on your own volition change for the good of the both of you if you value your relationship with each other.

The above does not mean you change so that you can attract or keep a man who isnt worth your love. You do not change to "lower your standards". On the contrary if you are wise you change to improve with a man wiser than you.

So if you are now "back to being the person you are" and won't change for him because of your past experiences and this time this man happens to be the wiser and right about you, your emerge the poorer.

curious cat

Yu-Kym said...

curious cat, change of bad habits and change of principles/values/beliefs need to be treated differently. I will not change my beliefs, e.g. religion, for a man whereas change of lifestyle is possible.

Anonymous said...

Noted, Yu-Kym.

curious cat