Mother's Day

4
Mother's Day is approaching. What are you doing for your mother this year?

I'm going to share a gift with my sister who has already bought it. No hand-written note. No card. Sometimes we don't even take the trouble to wrap the gifts. No Mother's Day lunch or dinner. Maybe no cake even.

I remember the time when I used to make my own cards for Mother's Day (I couldn't afford to buy). With much love and admiration in my heart, I folded, drew and coloured them, and on each card I always wrote: Mummy, I love you. Except for one card. In that one I wrote: You are the best mother in the world. My mother scolded me for using the word "Mother" instead of "Mummy". She said that "Mother" sounded too distant and she thought it meant that I didn't love her.

My relationship with my mum has never been fantastic. The best period was during the time when I was going to church and "serving" in church. She had always wanted me to "serve God". She was happy with me because I was doing what she wanted me to do. Now that I no longer go to church you can pretty much guess what our current relationship is like.

Besides, she objects to some decisions that I've made in my life. She said and did some terribly hurtful things to me and made it impossible for me to live in the same house as her. Although she apologised, I know she doesn't feel sorry because she told me that she would repeat the very same things again. It might not be easy to forgive someone who apologised. It's even harder to forgive someone who isn't sorry. I know it would be for my own good to forgive her regardless.

I'm afraid that she might repeat the same hurtful words and things. Nobody wants to let someone else stick a knife into an old wound. I admit that it is fear of being hurt that drives my behaviour now. I don't know what can be said or done to make it better. I know she doesn't approve of some of my decisions but I can't live my life just to please her. I love my mum and I long for a loving relationship with her. Somehow I feel we can never have that.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

someday when u become a mother u will understand your mother better. a mother's love is unconditional and sacrificial. sometimes these r unspoken but words will never measure up to it anyway.

so please make up with your mom and forgive her. in times of crisis, u will know how much a family would mean to u. however in sg, we r just too shelter to understand.

Yu-Kym said...

good for you that you experienced or understand the unconditional and sacrificial love of a mother. but not all mothers are the same. there are mothers whose love for their children is based on their school grades, success in society and sacrifices that the children are willing to make to please them. there are mothers who sell their children. there are mother who would willing let and even watch their children get raped. there are women who abort their babies.

in times of crisis my mother drove me away. i cry whenever i think about it. she's not sorry for it.

despite that, i still love her and yearn for a better relationship with her. who is the one giving unconditional love - my mother or me?

a relationship takes 2. the only way to improve my relationship with my mother is to do exactly what she wants me to do. it's not going to happen.

i'm happy that i have my other family members who will stand by me in good and bad times. but a loving relationship with my mother feels like a fantasy that won't happen in real life.

yg said...

yu-kym, sometimes we regret things that we do or say in a moment of anger. we do not mean what we said or did but we have our pride and do not want to admit our mistake.
i believe you when you say you still love your mother and i am sure your mother still loves you.
to mend the fences will need the grace of two persons - you and your mother.
i sincerely hope that you will be reconciled with your mother this mother's day.

Yu-Kym said...

thanks yg. after further thought, i realise that it doesn't matter whether my mother loves me or not. what matters is the kind of person that i want to be - a loving daughter regardless of how my mother treats me , or a daughter who demands loves and gives up and loses hope when i don't get what i want?
i wrote about this in today's post
http://yu-kym.blogspot.com/2009/04/what-kind-of-person-do-i-want-to-be.html

i think it will take more time to fix and build the relationship because it's not mere words or actions but very different beliefs and principles e.g. religion, and she even said she wants me to sacrifice myself to break some family curse!